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Dear Amy: I’m a 50-year-old woman and I haven’t been in a serious relationship in about a decade.
My first two partners (when I was in my 20s and 30s) were controlling and emotionally abusive.
I know I missed a lot of obvious red flags back then (and made excuses for these people).
So now, if there is the slightest sign of abruptness from the beginning, if you make fun of me (a “just kidding” insult), correct me (especially if you make a mistake), are rude to me or others, or speak badly of their exes, usually I won’t see the guy again.
I also resist when kids come on too strong at first.
And that means I rarely make it past the second or third date.
Am I being too careful?
I worry that I have become too sensitive.
– Worried and alone
Dear Worried: Every characteristic you mention: “just kidding” insults, corrections, rudeness, bad language, being too strong, is a justified deal breaker, at least from my point of view.
You could work on your reaction to being “corrected,” but being explained or corrected by someone who is not only wrong but rude about it is another matter.
(You might examine whether you get defensive when others disagree with you.)
But let’s say that really have become thin-skinned.
So what? This is you. Maybe you are very demanding.
Being too hard on people is not a good thing, but discernment is.
When meeting a stranger for a possible relationship, your instincts are all you have.
My main suggestion is that you should work on relaxing. Not relax your standards, but just…relax.
Many people fail their first meetings: they may drink too much, misread the room, or simply be nervous. Maybe your guard is a little high and theirs isn’t high enough. That’s why second dates were invented.
Even very insightful people can learn something new by cultivating an attitude of openness, but this doesn’t mean you should overlook a person’s behavior, especially when that behavior is rude or cruel.
Dear Maya Angelou gave the world some finely carved advice when she said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @askingamy either Facebook.
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.