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Tessa Tookes had gone wedding dress shopping once before, but nothing compared to a dress she found while browsing Instagram. When the 28-year-old New York-based model discovered a boutique selling the dress, she traveled to Ontario, Canada, to try it on.
“It really felt like that ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ moment I was looking for,” said Tookes, who met her fiancé, Joey Kirchner, in second season of “Bachelor in Paradise Canada”, which premiered in 2015. “But then the conversation took a turn.”
While Tookes stood on the pedestal in her dream dress, boutique employees grabbed two brown breast cups. The cups already built into the dress were beige, or “nude,” and free, but if he wanted the dress’s underwear to match his skin color, he would have to pay an additional $200.
The experience immediately led Tookes to her high school dance performances, she said, when she had to “pancake” her pink ballet shoes with foundation and dye her “nude” tights with tea bags to match her skin.
“I just received the information in silence and by default I felt uncomfortable,” Tookes, who was the only person of color in the store at the time, told USA TODAY. “I wasn’t very aware of my blackness until (that moment). It was incredibly isolating and I felt very different.”
This is not an isolated incident, even in 2024, as many fashion and beauty brands move towards inclusivity, according to Mariel Buquepsychologist and author of “Breaking the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma.”
“It sends a clear message that darker-skinned women are seen as ‘other’ and secondary in the industry,” Buqué said. “This can cause emotional damage that affects the bride’s joy at such an important event in her life, her self-esteem and her sense of worth, harmful effects that can even last long beyond her big day.” .
TO Video of Tooke’s fiance describing the incident. has garnered over 3 million views and over 709,000 comments, some of which came from black wedding dress designers who offered to professionally dye the cups for free or have your dress custom-made. In the expletive-filled video, Kirchner demands that wedding dress designers take note: “They should call your attention,” she says firmly, pointing to the camera. “Find out.”
The boutique in question contacted Tookes after watching the video and offered to pay for the wedding dress in full, which Tookes found generous but “didn’t necessarily get to the heart of the matter.”
In retrospect, Tookes said she could have spoken up at the time, but she wanted to avoid becoming a “bridezilla.” Plus, it shouldn’t be her responsibility to do so: “Having to defend your skin tone just doesn’t seem fair to me.”
Women did not stop expressing their solidarity online. Some shared similar experiences at bridal boutiques, while others were surprised that employees at Tookes’ stage felt comfortable enough to mention the surcharge.
But it’s okay to feel speechless in this situation, Buqué says, despite wanting to talk.
“When we experience an event that makes us feel like we don’t belong or are not seen, it can freeze us emotionally. Know that even a response of immobility is not your fault nor is it the wrong response,” Buqué said. “It’s simply your body’s way of figuring out how to protect you during a painful circumstance. And when this type of experience is the norm, as is the case for black women, immobility is even more possible.”
Buqué encourages women to express their discomfort and concerns if they wish, but said it is important to prioritize well-being first. “And always remember to recite in your head that you are important, that your skin color is beautiful and worthy of being recognized and cared for equally.”
It’s equally helpful to come home and reflect on what happened with the people you trust and love. That’s what Tookes did when, about a week later, he responded to a text message from his future mother-in-law about the dress appointment. Then, she told her fiancé.
“That’s when I really accepted and recognized how the experience made me feel,” said Tookes, who was pleasantly surprised to find a “wonderful online community” offering support.
“Being seen and heard with little effort or explanation is healing in itself,” Buqué said, “and can be a strong antidote to the discrimination suffered.”
Katheleen Isaac, a psychotherapist and owner of HEAL’D, a racial literacy and psychotherapy consulting practice, said Tookes’ experience “reflects where we are in society,” but can help drive needed change.
“We hope this is an opportunity for all industries to think more about how they can make their products, spaces and environments more inclusive,” Isaac said. “It is unfortunate that we still have to deal with these problems. “It may seem like a minor thing, but it can be really important for people who have these experiences.”
For now, Tookes said she left her wedding dress in disarray “in the air.” Although she already paid a deposit for the dress after opting for the “nude” cups that she had planned to dye herself, she is now considering working with one of the many black designers who were approached to make her a dress. “He just feels much more aligned with my feelings on the matter and my desire to support and uplift this community of women.”
And for other brides of color who may be worried about facing similar situations, Tookes has some advice: “I think we’re all aware of the potential experiences we could have in terms of not feeling like our skin colors and bodies are represented in these environments.” . But consider splurging on a positive and magical wedding dress shopping experience, and do so with the expectation that she will have to advocate for herself.”
