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We still talk regularly about house management. But I lie by omission. I told him he needed to take parenting classes and get over his anger before returning. I have no idea how long it might take. But what I haven’t said is that I don’t know if I want him to come back one day. The years of malice and rage that seem to accompany her chronic depression, and his frequent and not well-concealed misery at the prospect of dealing with her family, now far outweigh the good years that went before.
He is on his third or fourth type of treatment and has had a couple of visits to a psychiatric clinic. Otherwise, though, she doesn’t try to do any emotional labor. Fundamentally I don’t know if I want to live with someone who needs lessons to be able to do something as basic as enjoy their family. I don’t see us as a test we must endure.
But I still wish him the best. I’m also afraid that given his fragile mental health, if he were honest about not wanting him back, it might prompt him to try to hurt himself. If relevant, we have enough surplus income that could cover the rent for a very small second place.
Please tell me what might come next; I have no frame of reference.
Now what?: This sounds awfully difficult, sorry. Good for you for taking a decisive step to protect everyone involved. Your writing is opaque about the “incident,” but I’m reading a violent response between the lines. Even if you think the danger has passed, consult thehotline.org. When couples separate, the risk of violence is greater and can be unstable.
Given that, I don’t doubt the risk of telling him that the marriage is over. But I also believe that separation from him, in addition to being necessary for his safety and that of his children, is also an opportunity for him to work on his health, if he has the presence of mind to take advantage of it.
Living with young children while going through a serious mental health issue was apparently too much for him. Trying to do both could be the reason treatments haven’t worked. So, to the extent possible, encourage him to use the separation not only for parenting lessons, but also for caring for him.
As for “next”: everything is still new and it’s okay to not know. The health and safety of children is the address on your GPS until you figure out the rest.
Deliberately or not, you prepared well: with “working through your anger” as a barrier, your husband, as you know him, will never be able to move away again. Only a demonstrably healthy version (tested for years, not weeks) is welcome to discuss. I return it from her.
Hotline staff can refer you to local counseling for ongoing support. It is difficult for anyone to go through a separation, even more so when children are involved, and downright risky when there is mental instability. Get professional eyes on the problem, get the statistics, and get busy.