Carolyn Hax: When do parents tell their kids about Grandma’s current affair? | Top Vip News

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Dear Caroline: My mother-in-law is having an affair. She is still married to my father-in-law, but she goes away for a week every two months with her current boyfriend.

My children, ages 3 years and 5 months, watch it often. When she is not there, they ask about her. We always say Nana is out of town. I won’t lie for her (“Nana is sick”, etc.). I was lied to while she was growing up and it devastated me when I realized the truth about my parents. But I also don’t want to over-disclose things that aren’t age-appropriate. I want them to be close to their grandparents and my husband wants them to be close to his parents. How and when do I start to approach this?

Nana is out of town: To quote a classic cartoon: What if never? Is it never good for you?

I don’t see when it will be anyone else’s business for two people to have what seems to me to be an open marriage. Grandparents are also sexually autonomous people. This is between Nana and Pop-Pop, and others who choose to include.

The end. That is the complete answer to your specific question. But your question raises other questions.

Because what you have there is a tremendously precocious 5-month-old child, already asking where Nana is! -or he is wildly premature to worry about what his beloved children will think about something they may never have reason to know.

Or is he projecting his discomfort onto the children because he feels better protecting the innocent?

Whatever your motivation, I am now motivated to write about the responsibility of parents to teach their children what is and is not their business.

People can certainly say why they don’t come, if they want: “I have colds, otherwise I would love to see you”, but they are not responsible to us and do not need to explain or apologize unless they are really sorry. “Unfortunately, not today.” That is a complete and acceptable output.

So. I understand you have a good way of dodging when Nana is out of town. But when Nana is simply absent, there is no need for explanatory alarm; You don’t have to look for another truthful explanation to cover it up. “Nana has other plans today”, “Nana is busy”, “Nana couldn’t be here”. These are enough whether she is doing things you find objectionable, doing things you don’t find objectionable, or doing her socks off.

If your children push for more information as they mature, respond by modeling boundaries: “I miss Nana today too, but we don’t have to know why someone isn’t coming. Let’s respect people’s privacy.” Normalize this through repetition, applied to everyone, not just Nana.

It’s good for parents to prepare anyway, if only so you and your husband can clarify your approaches before your someday teenagers invite you to multiple rounds of privacy versus secrecy versus not-it’s-not-okay-to-sneak . -dialogue-and-lying-to-my-face-(even though-I-did-that-to-my-parents).

Also, while we’re here: your children’s education on how to be part of a loving, trusting relationship is already underway, including the baby’s this time. That’s why it’s wise to be aware of what you model for them. However, it will be especially helpful if your children ever notice that the adults in their circle live more than one of the many variations on the theme of trusting relationships. Always think honesty (tempered with tact, respect, privacy, need to know, and lots of deep, cleansing breaths) and you’ll be more or less fine.

(It’s a Bob Mankoff caricature..)

Dear Caroline: I left an abusive marriage two years ago and I don’t want to date. My children have begun to make comments and express pity for my loneliness, but I don’t know how or if I want to do anything about it. Should I force myself to go out again or enjoy the peace of being alone?

Anonymous: Oh hell no, no forced pairings. One day of an abusive marriage is enough for a lifetime. More than.

However, loneliness is not a great alternative; I am with your children there. So I hope you work to achieve friendship grid. And/or a network of common interests, purposes, fulfillments and meanings. Form connections without hanging out with them, whenever you are ready and for as long as you need. Only go out when there is no doubt about what you want.

It takes time, effort and thought to build good relationships, and then even more time. Plus a willingness to pay special attention to your own feelings when spending time with new people, so you can discern if they are healthy for you. You will know they are when you feel safe being yourself with them, that is, without fear of provoking them.

This is how you (re)build self-confidence after abuse: that and solo therapy, when possible.

When you are sure you will be able to: 1. Differentiate between healthy and unhealthy attachments. 2. Walk away when someone’s company makes you feel not very good about yourself. 3. Handling a painful breakup, that’s peace. The peace of solitude and the peace of trustworthy friends.

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