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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been dating a man for about a year. In general we get along well.
We spend a lot of time together and he professes his love for me. His intentions are to be together forever, although there has been no proposal. I think he could continue this relationship indefinitely.
There’s only one thing: I’m not physically attracted to him. He’s presentable and well-groomed, but that can’t make up for the fact that he’s homely.
I am, to put it plainly, a beautiful woman. I’ve always dated “in my league.”
I’m trying really hard not to be superficial, but this really bothers me. Sometimes I’m just upset.
I know we’ll both get older, but until then, it’ll still be ugly.
I have feelings for him, so should I try harder to overlook his flaws?
– WORN BY HIM IN NEVADA
DEAR RIPPED: No! For both of our sakes, please don’t do that.
The man you write about deserves someone who focuses more on his inner qualities than you seem capable of.
It shouldn’t be necessary to force yourself to like him. Since this is bothering you so much, do both of you a favor and let it go.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my spouse’s friend “Valerie” invited us to lunch. He had never met her, but had had previous contact with her via email.
Valerie clearly didn’t like him. We sat at lunch for four hours and during that time, even though she sat across from me, she never looked at me, she never spoke to me and she never acknowledged my presence. She was humiliating and dehumanizing.
Since we live in a different state, it was clear that we would not meet again.
Well, Valerie has now renewed contact with my spouse through letters and emails, reestablishing old ties.
I asked my spouse not to let Valerie back into our lives. It bothers me that he accepted the contact after how Valerie treated me. My spouse has not addressed Valerie’s behavior and at the time of the incident I was asked to let it go, which I did.
Now that Valerie has resurfaced, contacting only my spouse and addressing cards only to my spouse, it is clear that “the game is on” once again.
My spouse has not been supportive of my feelings and refuses to acknowledge Valerie’s rudeness during that lunch visit.
I don’t want to be friends with this person. My spouse has made it clear that he intends to stay in contact with this person and that he is not going to bring up “old issues” with her.
Am I wrong to ask you to give up this friendship and not allow this person back into our lives?
— NOT RECOGNIZED IN OREGON
DEAR UNRECOGNIZED: No, you’re not bad. Ask your spouse why he is fostering a relationship with Valerie and if you would like to end your relationship, say so now because he feels threatened by what Valerie is doing.
It’s honest, and if your fears are true, it’s best to know now.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.