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I know there was a celts game last night, but I’ve actually been working on a spec script that I wanted to share with you:
Kramer throws the door open.
Kramer: “We beat the Heat!”
German: “We what?”
Kramer: “I’m telling you, Jerry, we beat the Heat. The Heat, you know, the Heat of basketball, not the heat of temperature? From now on, they have been surpassed!
German: “About us?”
Kramer: “Not the Heat, that’s for sure.”
I’m not sure I can sell NBC on a revival of Seinfeld With such a basic script, but I hope the Celtics give us more comedic beatdowns on the Miami Heat so it can complete a full season.
The Celtics absolutely strangled the Terry Rozier-laden Heat 143-110, ensuring that all the PTSD from last year’s playoffs would remain bottled up and unprocessed until at least the next time the two meet. It was spectacular, unapologetic and emancipating from a potentially hellish week of NBA discussions. In short, he ruled, and the nightmares of last year’s Eastern Conference Finals won’t hurt me tonight!
If I were a Heat fan right now, I’d probably throw my hands in the air and demand that this loss be filed under the “statistical outlier” loses category, considering the Celtics dropped a 63-55-95 team line even with Kristaps Porzingis. him leaving in the third quarter with a left ankle injury.
A team shooting 60 percent from the field and over 50 percent from three and a Celtic spraining its left ankle reminds me of a certain playoff series when… oh, gosh. The nigthmares! They are back! Caleb Martin! Max Strus! (Gabe Vincent looks for a rebound) Not Tatum! Be careful with your ankle! CONCEIVE NO! DO NOT DO IT! JIMMY IS DAMN—(faints)
I guess I spoke too soon about nightmares, but it’s comforting to know that it was the Celtics who shot a mathematically outlandish clip. According to the NBA on TNT broadcast, they were the first team in NBA history to have five players hit three triples and three doubles, which is one of those stats that makes you say, “Really? First? I mean…I guess that’s a specific thing…yeah. Yes that’s fine.”
Ultimately, very little in the NBA discourse will be altered by tonight’s game. The Celtics are in a different league talent-wise than the Heat, and tonight’s destruction just confirmed that. But the world will forget that coming into tonight, the Heat were one of the hottest teams in the Eastern Conference.
Not in terms of wins, of course, as they had lost four straight upon arrival, but in terms of narrative, having given up Kyle Lowry’s eternally awful contract and a first-round pick for Terry Rozier. It was an impossible-to-hate trade for the Heat, as Rozier was a contender-level piece in quarantine in Charlotte. It was one of those “man, the Heat did it again” trades, and with Rozier’s history in Boston, this was a fitting introduction to his new team.
For all that, this game had the potential to be extremely uncomfortable for the Celtics. If Miami had won, this game would have lodged itself in my brain like a futuristic mind control chip, ready to activate at any moment to remind me of how the Heat owned the Celtics. It would have been impossible to get rid of, since even if the Celtics won the next 37 games in a row and finished 71-11, the specter of the Heat would hang over the playoffs like a dark cloud.
Instead I’m writing Seinfeld parodies and references to The office. How the tables turn.
They said trauma needs to be carefully processed and professionally handled, and that’s definitely true. But sports trauma is more like a weed infestation in the cornfields of the brain. You don’t need weed therapy, you need a flamethrower.
Enter an all-out explosion, here to bring the fire of justice on the crimes of yesteryear. Maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but this win has given me enough medication against Miami to last at least until the next matchup. When is that exactly? February 11… mmm. It’s really not that long…
Irrelevant! When it comes to Miami, I’ll take whatever I can get. I won’t let myself forget how emotionally shocking it was to fall 3-0 to this same (well, not really the same, but let’s forget about that) Miami team. We cannot forget history, otherwise it may repeat itself.
I say “we” like I’m on the team, but really it’s the Celtics who need to stay focused on that feeling. Don’t let the pain and disappointment be in the past, rather let the jetpack propel you beyond your previous limitations.
I certainly don’t like how that series made me feel, and I’ll bet all the money in my pocket against all the money in your pocket that the Celtics don’t like it either. They say if you can’t let go of the past, run harder. I think running is very difficult, so I recommend bringing a flamethrower.
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