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Dear care and feeding,
My daughter “Molly”, 14 years old, is quite anxious and has a hard time making friends, so she is very close to the friends she has.
One of his friends, “Tim”, has been battling cancer. This year he took a leave of absence to undergo treatment due to the amount of time he would have to be out of school. He hopes to finish treatment by early summer and has tutors who will help him stay on track to continue his studies next year. My wife and I are so proud of how thoughtful and compassionate Molly has been toward Tim. Molly has been crying a lot and in general she has been very emotional at home, but she is always there to help Tim when she needs it and she tries not to let a lot of her worries go unnoticed. We’ve gotten calls several times from Tim’s mom just telling me how wonderful Molly is and how happy she is that Molly and Tim are friends.
However, I think you are going too far. Molly’s grades are dropping drastically, to the point that she is at risk of failing French and algebra, because she spends certain class periods on her phone all the time texting Tim, or not doing any schoolwork because she misses afternoons with his other friends. at the hospital or at Tim’s house, visiting him or just Facetiming him. I want to limit Molly’s visits so she has time to focus on her schoolwork, but my wife thinks that’s cruel. We’ve talked to Molly about keeping her grades up, but she just fires us. I think, having known Tim for a few years, Tim is a wonderful boy, very thoughtful and kind, and if she knew that Molly was wasting her education to spend time with him, he would be angry too. We’ve also tried that angle with Molly; It hasn’t worked and I don’t want to interfere with my daughter’s friendships like that. How can we support Molly by supporting her friend while also making sure she prioritizes herself?
—I hate to be the bad guy, but…
Dear I hate being the bad guy,
I think there are a few different things you can do to thread this needle. The first is to call the school and see what options Molly has if she really fails these classes (summer school, independent study, etc.) and if there would be any extenuating circumstances they would consider granting her. The second is to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Tim’s mother in which you state unequivocally that you want Molly to continue supporting Tim during his treatment, but that you are going to try to correct course a little with Molly regarding school, and she won’t. you do. I don’t want Tim to feel hurt or confused. Tread carefully here: Tim’s problems are much bigger than algebra and you don’t want to give the wrong impression, but he can learn a lot from Tim’s mother about what Tim needs and how to adjust Molly’s time in a way that doesn’t be harmful. . Keep those conversations to yourself; It could backfire if Molly feels like you went behind her back on a fact-finding mission. This is just one way for you to be more informed.
Then engage Molly in a collaborative conversation about how to move forward. The book 14 talks at 14 years old provides a great formula that you can follow. In this conversation, emphasize that Tim is allowed to be Molly’s priority, but not to the detriment of everything else. Also emphasize that he doesn’t need her to be on the honor roll; he just needs her to pass her classes. He 14 talks Formula will guide you through a conversational style where she can suggest ways to address the problem and you respond, eventually reaching a point where consensus is reached.
A lot of this really has nothing to do with algebra; It’s about helping Molly learn to make decisions that align with both her morals and her needs. How can she turn to a friend in a time of need and at the same time take care of herself? It’s a scenario she will face many times in her adult life. If you and she can keep that goal in mind, I hope you find a path forward that everyone is comfortable with. Good luck to all of you and Tim.
—Allison
More whiteboard tips
My partner and I are parents of a sensitive, intelligent and very outgoing 6-year-old boy. He occasionally has a sleepover with his godparents, Steve and Linda. They are two friends of ours without children who adore and love our daughter very much. Our daughter always seems to have a fantastic time. I appreciate that you share your time with her, since my partner and I do not come from large families and our daughter does not have local grandparents.