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I didn’t expect to check Twitter or X or whatever today and see a Super Bowl ad with Patrick Stewart, Master Chief, Arnold de Hello Arnold! the band Creed, Knuckles of the Sonic franchiseand Survivor host Jeff Probst. Yet, friends, here we are. Welcome to 2024. It sucks.
In a newly released ad for Paramount+, the streaming service formerly known as CBS All Access, the company continues the strange story that all the characters and stars from different Paramount-owned franchises are climbing the giant mountain seen in the famous logo of the company.
This time, a group consisting of Drew Barrymore, Sir Patrick Stewart, halo main bossArnold, Lieutenant Dangle of Reindeer 911!, and Knuckles, among others, are trying to scale a huge cliff to reach… I don’t know, the next commercial. Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa is trying to throw a grappling hook over the cliff face so everyone can climb the mountain. But he can’t do it. That’s when Patrick Stewart recommends tying the rope to Arnold, who has a football-shaped head, and throwing the animated boy down the mountain.
At this point, Stewart takes off his jacket to reveal a vintage football suit and helmet and tells Drew Barrymore to shut up, and Creed begins playing “Can You Take Me Higher.” Friends, I’m not making any of this up. This is a real advertisement. I feel like I need to step in here and remind everyone of that fact. Anyway, Stewart eventually throws Arnold, after gently kissing his head, up the mountain and… (spoilers!) fails. Arnold crashes into the rock wall, probably crushing every one of his cartoon bones in the process, and the group finds the next beloved character to try to throw off the cliff.
Pop culture is slowly turning into a gray mass
Some might find this ad funny. And I fully admit that Stewart is doing an excellent job of being an old weirdo with a bad idea. But I also saw this trailer and felt a sense of dread. Today’s companies don’t see things like Star Trek either aura as works of art made by creators. Instead, they’re simply bits of IP that can be thrown into a blender to create some corporation’s next streaming service.
Why do these characters hang out together? What do they have in common? Why is this happening? “Stop asking questions,” say Paramount’s marketing team and executives. “Instead, just be surprised and delighted by all the intellectual property and CONTENT we own. Isn’t it great?
I do not think. He Continuous consolidation of pop culture. It’s actually really depressing. The reality that in 2024 a single company could own much of our collective art is terrifying. It seems like 90% of film and television is owned by Disney, Universal, Paramount or some other big players.
And if one of them decides to consume another, like Disney did to Fox, even more pop culture gets locked in a box owned by a greedy company that can decide, on a whim, to cancel shows, remove movies from streaming services, or use beloved characters as pawns in their content wars. And that whole thing sucks, even if it was fun to see Patrick Stewart kiss Arnold on the head.
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