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Actress and director Regina King said she is a “different person” and still sometimes feels “guilty” after her son’s death by suicide two years ago, but she is dedicated to honoring his legacy and “the totality of who is he”.
“I’m a different person, you know, now than I was on January 19,” the Oscar winner, 53, said in an interview broadcast on “Good morning america” Thursday. “Grief is a journey. I understand that pain is a love that has nowhere to go.”
It was the first time he spoke about the death by suicide of his son Ian Alexander Jr. in January 2022 at the age of 26.
“It’s important for me to honor Ian in the totality of who he is, to talk about him in the present because he is always with me, the joy and happiness that he gave us all,” said the “If Beale Street Could Talk” actor. . and the director of “One Night in Miami,” he explained to GMA host Robin Roberts.
King explained that her son struggled with his mental health and that she respects his choice.
“When it comes to depression, people expect you to look a certain way and come across as heavy,” King said. “And people expect that… having to experience this and not being able to have time to just sit with Ian’s choice, which I respect and understand, you know, that he didn’t want to be here anymore.”
“That’s a hard thing for other people to receive because they didn’t live our experience, they didn’t live Ian’s journey,” he said.
But acceptance has not always been an easy path.
“Sometimes I get a lot of guilt. When a father loses a child you still wonder: what could he have done to prevent that from happening? she said.
Initially, after her son’s death, King said, “I was so angry at God, why would Ian be given that weight?”
“Of all the things we had gone through with therapy, psychiatrists, programs. Ian said, ‘I’m tired of talking, Mom,’” she continued.
King said her favorite thing about herself “is being Ian’s mom.”
“And I can’t say that with a smile, with tears, with all the emotions that come with it, I can’t do it if I didn’t respect the journey,” he said.
“I know I share this pain with everyone, but no one else is Ian’s mom. Just me. And so, she is mine and the sadness will never go away. She will always be with me,” she added.
King said there are times when he still feels his son’s presence.
“Sometimes it just makes you laugh. Most of the time, lately, it makes you smile. But sometimes the absence, your absence, is really loud.”
Ian is King’s only child, shared with her ex-husband, record producer Ian Alexander Sr.
King said he has dedicated his latest film, “Shirley,” to his son. She also wore orange, Ian’s favorite color, to Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony.
“Shirley,” directed by John Ridley, tells the story of Shirley Chisholm, the first black woman elected to Congress, and follows her 1972 presidential campaign, the first launched by a black woman.
The film will be released in select theaters on Friday and will premiere on Netflix on March 22.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at 988lifeline.org. You also can visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional support.