[ad_1]
Slate Plus members get more Care and feeding weekly. Do you have any questions about children, parenting or family life? Send it here!
Dear care and feeding,
My grandson Jack and I are very close. Jack is 12 years old and is a very shy boy. He has a best friend, Elizabeth. They are very similar children, although they have different interests. They are both “old souls,” seemingly mature for their years and love curling up with an Agatha Christie book instead of mindlessly scrolling through TikTok. They do absolutely everything together, but it’s gotten to the point where neither of them can do anything without the other.
Jack expressed interest in art classes, but he enrolled without Elizabeth and so he completely shut down and couldn’t do anything. Jack and Elizabeth are in similar classes at school, but they don’t share all classes. Jack is very shy and barely participates in class on a good day, but Elizabeth recently had surgery and Jack could barely function in school while she was out of school; He called me in the middle of the day, almost crying, several times due to the stress of going through school without her best friend.
From what I’ve heard, Elizabeth is equally dependent on Jack to get through the school day. Elizabeth has been there for Jack through some really difficult things in his life, like the death of her father. My daughter is very sensitive to being given parenting advice, and if I mention this to her, she will almost certainly dismiss it as Jack just being “shy” and not that his mental health is in the drain. How can I help my grandson?
—Worried grandmother
Dear worried grandmother,
If you love your grandchild, if you listen to him, if you are someone he knows he can count on, I think you are already doing what you are supposed to do for him. I know you will continue to worry no matter what, but try not to judge him or draw too strong conclusions about him based on his attachment to his friend. He has lost his father (although not recently) and, as a result, he must be dealing with a lot of pain and trauma. It’s hard for you to see sometimes, I’m sure, but he needs to be able to feel and process all of this in his own way, at his own pace. Continue to be there for him: answer when he calls, do fun things with him, make it clear that you care how he feels, let him know how much you love him.
Jack might benefit from counseling and/or more grief support, something you can bring up (and offer help, if you can), if you feel there is an unmet need. But when you talk to your daughter about your grandson, I don’t think you need to offer her a lot of advice that she will dismiss or that will focus on a school friendship that you consider codependent. You may want to start by simply asking what your daughter has noticed; Aside from her shyness, that she’s probably not new, how does she think she’s doing with Jack? What has he shared with her? What do they both need from you and how can she best support them?
You can’t control what your daughter’s mother is like. You also can’t control how her grandson’s school day goes, or whether she copes or recovers in a healthy way. But you can continue to love him, listen to him, and be there for him, and I promise you that’s important; even more so if she is really struggling right now.
—Nicole
More whiteboard tips
My 12 year old son is extremely outgoing. He likes band, choir, soccer, swim team, and dance classes. I, however, am an anxious introvert who hate having to be “soccer mom,” “stage mom,” “dance mom,” etc. How can I support you?